Our 4th Anniversary

Well, I did it.  I made it through Eric and I's anniversary last Thursday.  It would have been our 4th this year.  Not sure why, but the actual day itself was much better than the days and weeks leading up to it. I felt very thought of on Eric and I's day.  Friends and family members called and sent me cards and messages.  I even got flowers from a new friend and her family who knew Eric.  My running buddy made me a homemade pumpkin spice latte, and then we took our boys to the park.  Then, in the evening, my Daddy took me out for dinner for Thai food, which I love.  We ended the evening at Braums for hot fudge shakes and a good laugh from the guy at the counter who couldn't find the "fudge" button.  

So, I kept busy on September 22, 2011.  But, same as every day, at the end of the day, the reality of all that happened hits, just as it does every day.  Eric is not here, and it hurts. When I think of the memories of our life together, it feels like a knife through my heart.

I heard someone describe grief once, and I find it to be very true for me.  It is like the waves of the sea.  At first, they come at you very hard, continually knocking you over making you never able to remain standing.  Then, as time goes on, they keep coming, but aren't so close together.  Still though, they surprise you now and then and knock you over when you least expect it.  While I find that true, the end of August and beginning of September felt like I was back in the "knocking me over storm-type waves."  The last week has been better-not even sure why.  I can't plan out how the grief will happen, prevent it, or try to get over it.  I simply must go through it.

Recently I have been touched by a song by Tricia Brock called, "You are My Shepherd." (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAQuJNHwLLE) This song, taken right out of Psalms 23 has been so encouraging to me.  As I have mentioned before, music really speaks to me.  The first line of the song states my desire as I seek to continually walking with my Jesus.

There is one thing I desire, one thing I seek. 
To hide in You, abide in You. I'm Yours for You to keep. 

The next words describe my Lord  being my portion and my strength.   I know I leaned heavily upon my husband, Eric, as a source of strength in my life.  I know that God created marriage and that it was not a bad thing at all to lean on my husband.  I'm just saying that now I can really feel that void in my life.    I feel in some ways that Eric showed me just a glimpse of what my heavenly Father can offer me as my true source of comfort, strength, and security to walk this life. I'm learning just what that means to make him be my true Portion!  Man, I mess up though.  I try to walk in this life all alone, and then find myself lying flat, with my face on the ground!  But I learn from the Psalm that he not only IS my portion, but he delights in being that to me, and my cup not only is filled, but overflows!!.  He prepares a table before me....he leads me beside still waters....he creats an environnment for me to come to him and be filled up. I lack nothing when I am with Him!

You prepare a table for me. 

You're my portion and my cup. 
You are the source of strength. 
Lord, You have filled me up. 

Here as the chorus describes, there WILL be trouble on this earth. Walking with Jesus does not mean we will not suffer.  We live in a sinful world...there is pain and heartache.   But, even through the darkest valley, we are promised that we shall not fear, shall not want!  Why? Because God is still God.  He is still on his throne.  When Eric got sick, God still reigned on His throne.  When Eric died, God still reigned on his throne.  He was still the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.  

{Chorus} 

You are my shepherd in the wilderness. 
Who shall I fear? 
You are the God who goes before me, 
My Rock and my Shield. 
In troubled times You will provide 
And I shall not want 
You are, You are my God. 

I'm angry sometimes that Eric died, I'm sadenned, I'm hurt, but my prayer is that through it I magnify and glorify  the Lord  with every breath as the Psalms describes.  (not saying I've arrived at this yet though!!)

Though I walk through the valley of death, 
I will magnify and glorify You with every breath 

When the wicked stand against me 
I will follow as You lead 
You are the truth and way, 
The lamp unto me feet 

Psalm 23 ends with, "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever!"

I've realized more than ever, how fading, how passing this earthly life is.  We are here just for a split second in terms of eternity.  Eric knew where he was going.  He told me, "Laura, it will be easy for me.  I am going to be with my Lord."  I challange anybody who reads this to consider if you also know beyond a shadow of a doubt if you will be with Jesus in heaven someday.  The Bible says, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  "The wages of sin is death...but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."  We are sinful, destined to life in hell, but through Christ, he offered us a way to "dwell in the house of the Lord forever."  But we must, "confess with our mouth, Jesus is Lord, and believe in our hearts that God raised him from the dead, and we will be saved."  Not everyone goes to heaven.  Living a good life won't get us there. Only through Christ may we have a way to be able to say, like Eric..."I know I will be with Jesus."   

I cry as I write this, because I wanted Eric to be with me on our 4th anniversary.  I wanted to live with the man I loved, and to raise our children together and carry out our dreams together. I didn't want to watch him suffer and die.  But, like Psalm 23 says, walking with Jesus does not mean I will not have pain and heartache in this life....it does not mean I will not grieve (cause believe me--ask those around me---I certainly do).  But, my relationship with the Lord is the ONLY reason I still am able to continue walking, and able to get back on my feet when the waves bring me down. For that, I am eternally grateful!