On the journey

Yesterday marked the three month anniversary of Eric's death.  I don't know why, but the first day of each month never slips away without me noticing.  Probably it never will.  Some ask, "Does each day get easier?"  For me, with each day, the realization of Eric not being here sets in, making it harder.  My heart is filled with an unimaginable sadness, loneliness, and if I'm honest, sometimes bitterness and anger!  I have to continue to remind myself of who God is, what his promises are for me, and that his mercies are new every morning.  I don't know what I would do if they were not.  I miss Eric.  Everything and anything makes me think of him throughout each moment.  I feel I'm walking through a true valley with shadows all around.  I know my Lord is there, but I still must walk through this valley of grief.  It is not fun, and I do not like it, but this is the path God has chosen for me to walk, and someday I pray I can come to grips with it and find acceptance. 

 I may never understand why God did not step in and save the day by healing Eric on this earth. But, I take comfort that God DID step in and save the day when it mattered most --as far as Eric's eternity goes.  He came to this earth and died on the cross to save you, me, and Eric.  He gave us each the opportunity to follow him and have a relationship with him.  I am so thankful that Eric chose to follow Christ and entered into a personal relationship with Jesus at the age of 20 when some Air Force roommates of his in Florida shared with him about his need for a Savior.  I have no doubts that Eric is with the Lord now.  In fact, I often picture him in heaven worshiping the Lord....maybe even helping to lead worship...and I take comfort that someday I will see Eric again.     

As I reflected on Easter this year, my mind went back to where Eric and I were a year ago!  We had come to Enid where we spent Easter with my family and my cousins who had come down from Montana.  I remember how special church was on that day because we began telling people that we were going to have a baby!!  I was three months pregnant at the time, and since it was only early April, we still had no idea of Eric's cancer.  He didn't even have any symptoms at the time. I find myself doing that a lot lately--thinking where we were and what we were doing a year ago--since, right now, a year ago, we still didn't know of the cancer.  

 This Easter, I spent Easter without Eric, but with my dear little Landon, along with my family--parents, brother and his wife, and my dad's cousin Rita. 

Psalm 23:4

"Even though I walk
   through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
   for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
   they comfort me."

  

My handsome daddy and beautiful mother

All ready to eat Easter dinner