Taking Control of my Fears

I am forever thankful for my loving Heavenly Father.  He continues to work in my life, and I am completely humbled by his love and grace.  He does not give up on my lack of faith and meets me in my brokenness.  


      Brokenness...that's where I've been lately.


Last week I was completely consumed by fear.  Fear is something I've struggled with since Eric died--fear of being alone, of raising my little boy, of making the right decisions for Landon and I, of losing another loved one.  Last week I hit rock bottom with it.  Several things happened, including my little boy being sick.  The symptoms just didn't add up and left me completely fearful that somehow he had obtained what Eric had.  While it turned out to be a mild case of the flu, I reacted with instant fear--especially with something being wrong with my baby.  


You see, when Eric was sick, it always seemed to be the worst case scenerio.  He seemed to always fall into the .1-.5%'s with his cancer.  Stomach cancer is a very rare disease in America, especially for a young healthy person.  In addition, it is said to "not cross the blood-brain barrier into the brain."  His was a very aggressive type, and pretty much did all of the above.  Therefore, with Eric's cancer, I got used to everything being the "worst possible case."  And though a medical may professional may say to Landon or myself now, "it probably is this,"  my mind goes to the opposite--the worst case. 




I understand that after traumatic events, this is a possible normal human response...but I seem to be reacting to everything...big or small...with this fear.  Especially the fear of further bad things happening to the ones I love. I know through my circumstance, that this is not going to be a quick easy fix.  I cannot forget things of the past, nor can I prevent things from happening in the future.  In fact, we aren't promised to not have trials.  John 16:33 "In this life you will have trials, but fear not, for I have overcome the world."  


This week I have spent some time in Isaiah...


43:1-3 "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you free.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."




41:10-13  "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.  Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them.  Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all.  For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you.  Do not fear; I will help you."


These verses point to distinct trials that Israel was facing.  Some were probably because of choices they had made, and some simply because we live in a sinful and perverse world because of the Fall of Man.   We shouldn't be surprised by trials...nor should we be surprised by the loving God who wishes to care for us during the trials.

Simply put, fear is not of God, and I will not let Satan rule over this part of my life.  

When I let God take hold of my hand with these fears...I have such a peace. When I take hold of them again....the fear begins to control me. I have to be in God's Word...I have to be on my knees,... and for me...because music speaks to me and I know my mind is especially fragile right now... I need to listen to worship music or sermons on my ipod--things that replay over in my mind filling it with truth.



I'm grateful where God has me right now...broken.  And really, I've learned...that that is where he wants me....because that is when I am depending on Him most.