The Healing Hand of God

Landon--16 months now

Today I thank the Lord for the work that He has done in my life.  Today I praise Him for who He is and for His ever-loving faithfulness to me.  As I have been reflecting over the past year, February 1 being the one year anniversary of Eric’s home-going to heaven, I cannot help but give the Lord glory for all He has done in my life.  In the darkest of valleys, He was there.  In the lowest of my loneliness and aching for Eric, He was there. When I was so overwhelmed with all of my responsibilities, He was there.  When I was in my bed or on the floor in floods of tears, He was there.  I can say without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord walked with me, never leaving my side.  At times I didn’t always feel His love, but I knew His presence was ever with me. 

I can also see God’s hand in how he used people in my life.  The ways that I have been loved and served through my journey is indescribable.  The notes that I have received of people’s prayers around the country for me and the acts of kindness, point me to God’s hand at work taking care of Landon and me. 

And now, a year later, I can step back a bit and truly see how the healing hand of God has and is continuing to work in my life.  No, the pain has not gone, and no I don’t always rejoice that Eric is in heaven, even though I know he is in a place where there is no more suffering, and no more pain.  Yes, I still have hard moments and days.  I am human and I miss him.   While I find that I don’t have the strong grief emotions that filled me for so long, but rather I now feel more reflective and even-keeled.  I say to people with true genuineness and not merely a passing statement, “I just miss him.”

I know in looking back, I am where I am at today only because of Jesus, not because of anything I have done.  I am excited to describe the work that God has done in my life, as He is continuing to mold me into who He wants me to be.  I am excited to say that through this trial, my relationship with Jesus has grown so much closer than it ever was before.  The phrase, “I never knew Jesus was all I wanted until Jesus was all I had,” has proven true in my life.

As I look at a new year ahead, I am excited to move forward with certain new passions that I have developed through the past two years.  I feel as though lately I’ve lived in a bubble with only thinking about my own circumstance, and I look forward to living with my hands held open to the Lord to see how he guides my life and uses me now in others’ lives.  I know that I still struggle with the pain of losing Eric, and know that it will always be a difficult thing for me, but I can say with confidence that, “My hope is found in nothing less, than Jesus’ blood and righteousness" (Bradbury).

Some of the music that has been dear to my heart this year are songs like, “Healing Hand of God,” and “Walk by Faith,” by Jeremy Camp.  He lost his first wife to cancer when he was in his early twenties.  I cried through his book, I Still Believe as I found comfort that he had walked a similar path.

In addition, Chris Tomlin’s album entitled, And If Our God is For Us, has been a very special one to me, and I know it was to Eric as well.  Eric and I were able to see Chris Tomlin in concert 3 days before Landon was born.  Even weeks before Eric’s death, I can still picture Eric at the computer listening to this praise music with tears in his eyes.  Songs like, “Majesty of Heaven,” and “I lift My Hands,” have been so powerful. My favorite, “Faithful,” I have cried through numerous times.  Someday I hope to make it through the entire song and be able to sing it. 

Eric loved music and I can only imagine the worship he is experiencing in heaven!