"Eats Cookies and Milk and Stares at the Cows kind of Day"

I had a bad day yesterday.

It is funny, because the teacher in me immediately thought of the book, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day book by Judith Viorst.

For me, it was one of those, “Laura eats cookies and milk and stares at the cows” kind of day.  Literally, that’s what I did!  (And yes, you can see the cows from all sides of our house.)  I was mad and sad yesterday and just not understanding God. 

I kept saying to myself,

           “This isn’t what I signed up for.  I didn’t sign up to       

                     be widow at 26 and a single mom.” 

As a little girl, I played every kind of doll and Barbie possible.  I loved dolls, and I loved playing house.  I dreamed of being a wife and mommy someday.  I named all of my future children and dreamed of what my husband would be like, where we would live, and what our family would be like.  Being a wife and mommy was all I wanted to be when I grew up.

I never dreamed of being a widow and single mom.

When I lined up my dolls and played, there was always a husband and daddy involved….I didn’t play “single mom.” 

I miss Eric. I missed him a lot yesterday. It’s been over a year now that he has not been here with me, but it feels as though it has been longer.  Really once the cancer started, I slowly lost him, so it has felt longer than a year that the Eric I knew and loved has not been with me. 

Yesterday, everything just seemed hard, even up until bedtime.  I always check on Landon before I go to bed, and last night I felt that I just needed to hold him.  So, I picked him up—sleeping—and just held him in my arms. While holding his precious, warm body close to me was probably the biggest blessing of the day, the picture across from me stared into my face.

   

    It was the picture of Eric that I have on Landon’s dresser.

Immediately, my mind drifted to the setting of Hobby Lobby, about 9 months ago when I literally about broke down in the middle of the store as I realized what I was doing.  I was looking for a frame to put a picture of my husband in…for my child’s bedroom…so he could see what his father looked like.

          I said, “It isn’t fair Lord. Eric should be here with Landon and I.  We miss him…we need him.  I didn’t sign up for this Lord!” This wasn’t part of MY plan.  

I visited with my mom a lot yesterday about how I was feeling. Now, mom has been the BEST over the past 2 years of empathizing, listening, and comforting me.  But yesterday, she simply pointed me to God’s Word.  It wasn’t the answer I wanted.  I wanted her to sympathize with me.  I wanted her to say…”Oh poor you.” And, although I wanted to resist her telling me what I knew I needed to hear, I knew she was right.  I simply needed to hear truth.  There was nothing else that was going to give me the comfort like God’s Word, and I'm glad she could be honest enough to give me the tough answers.  Here is an excerpt from Joseph Stowell’s devotional that she shared with me. 

God is “an ever-present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1). And, when our troubles are so complex and overwhelming that we don’t even know what to ask for, we are assured that “the Spirit helps us in our weakness,” praying for us “with groans that words cannot express” (Romans 8:26). He promises that God will meet all of our needs “according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19) and that He “is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20)! And just when you think you are down for the count, He assures you that you are not destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:9) and that nothing can separate you from His love (Romans 8:31-39)!

But, although I was pointed to God’s Word at various points in my day, I just didn’t feel any of it.  I didn’t want to claim it.

It wasn’t till I was finally lying in bed, trying to process all that I was mad about, that I prayed,

   “Lord…I don’t understand your ways.  But, PLEASE help me.  I need HELP trusting in you….I CAN’T do it on my own.  I CAN’T muster enough “positive thoughts” to be joyful on my own—to trust You.  No matter how hard I try, I just can’t do it.  I know that it is only through Your power working in and through me can I have the perspective that sees things as You see them.” 

When I was just finishing thinking again about how I didn’t sign up for this, the thought occurred to me,

      “You, Lord, signed up for the cross—You signed up to take my sins upon your shoulder, to die for ME.”

Who am I to say, “I didn’t sign up for this.” Who am I to question Your ways?  Who am I, when walking with You, to accept only the good, but not the challenges. Without you I am destined to hell, but through your grace, you saved me.  All you ask for me is to believe…to have faith…to trust, and to walk this path of life even when I don’t understand the why’s. You are asking me to BELIEVE.  I might not understand your ways…but then again…”Your ways or not my ways…they are higher.”  (Isaiah 55:8)

Sometimes I think we get confused.  We think walking with Jesus is going to mean our life will be a cake walk…. “Well God loves me and wants good for me right?”  Then, when a hard time comes, we question God, question his goodness, his love.  While God does love us, he ultimately is concerned about us becoming like him. He wants us to be conforming to him….renewing our minds (Romans 12:2) to be like him.  He doesn’t promise a life without suffering and pain, in fact he tells us there will be trials and suffering (John 16:33).  Walking with Jesus does not mean we will be free of trials.  But I think the coolest thing about God is that he is able to identify with us (Romans 8:26). He knows what it is like to experience pain and heartache.  He doesn’t ask us to walk through anything he hasn’t already done. I continue to realize this life is just a preparation for our real home…heaven someday… if we choose to follow him.  And we are promised that the joy we experience in Heaven will far out-way ANY joy we experience here on this earth.  (2 Cor. 4:17)

And really, how great would my God be if I knew as much as he did.  That would not make him All Powerful, All Knowing…SOVEREIGN over all.  Who wants a God like that?  Don’t I want my Heavenly Father to be the one who sees the big picture, the eternal picture when I can’t?  Don’t I want a Heavenly Father to do things when I can’t?….To be an ever-present help in trouble…in control…desiring the best for me.  If I was as knowledgeable as he was, then he wouldn’t be that great at all!  I like knowing that he is bigger than me—all powerful God of the universe!!!  Then why do I question him?  I want the good from him, but then when he asks me to walk through the valley, I question him? 

It comes down to a simple question Eric and I’s dear friend Charlie told us about that he asked of his own life.  He said he finally realized that it came down to a simple question in his life.

“Am I going to believe Him or am I not?” 

It’s that simple.  If I am, I must believe him in the good times and the pain.  I must trust him in the light, and especially in the darkness.  If I decide to put my hope and faith in him for my eternity, then I certainly have to put my hope and faith in him through my day to day life here on this earth. 

I’m learning in Philippians about Paul—imprisioned for his testimony of the Lord.  If he could praise God in chains…in prison, if he could rejoice and find reasons to celebrate the goodness of God, then surely I in my circumstance can find a reason to rejoice today. (And again, I can’t rejoice on my own—it just doesn’t happen on my natural human state of mind.)  “But only through Him who gives me the strength." Him who works in and through me.” (Philipians 4:13)

So, while yesterday was a “eat cookies and milk and stare at the cows” kind of day, today has been better. I learned a lesson yesterday that is giving me what I need to have a really GOOD day today!  And so far, it has been that--a really good day!

For that I rejoice!

Things I thank the Lord today for

~~The fact that He is All-Knowing and All-Powerful, but Ever with me

~~the fellowship of a friend for scones and coffee this morning with her little boy who is Landon’s buddy

Landon and Bryce

~~beautiful weather~~I didn’t even need a jacket, and there was no wind when Landon and I went outside (which doesn’t happen in OK very often!)

Landon (still in PJ's) and Pete

~~a nice run with Landon.  We enjoyed hearing the birds and seeing the airplanes fly over our head

~~watching our new dog, Pete splash through the water on our run

Ann Voscamp, in her book One Thousand Gifts says, “Who would ever know the greater graces of comfort and perseverance, mercy and forgiveness, patience and courage, if no shadows fell over a life.

“See now that I, I am He, and there is no god besides Me;  It is I who put to death and give life.  I have wounded and it is I who heal.”  

Deuteroneomy 32:39