Joy and Blessings

I'm learning about joy. To be honest I struggle daily with this.  While I praise the Lord that I certainly do have a lot more good days than I did a year ago, sometimes it is just plain hard still. It's a process.  I'm also remembering that this wasn't something that I just have struggled with since Eric died, but did before as well. Sometimes I forget what life was like before Eric got sick.  Realistically though, I know there were still trials (although they seem minut now, but I know they were still real for me at the time)  I want to have an inner peace and joy of the Lord, but, "How do you not make it circumstantial....a "just when life is good" sort of thing. How do you praise Him always, give thanks in all circumstances?

Lately God has been really speaking to my heart and convicting me that...yes, through the difficult times, it is possible to have true joy, the joy of the Lord.  I hear Him saying..."But Laura, it's going to take some intentional work and discipline!   And remember Laura....it isn't you who does anything on your own, but me who works in and through you to accomplish my purpose" (Phil. 2:13) 

I feel like God spoke to me directly about this whole "joy thing" when I began reading a book called, One Thousand Gifts.  It is by Ann Voskamp, and has become a New York Times best seller.  It is written by a simple, humble, farmer's wife and mother from Canada who through her own pain in life has found what it means to see God in everything. I don't remember the last time a book has made such an impact in my life.  I feel God used Ann to share with me and so many other people about a seemingly simple truth in the Bible, but yet so transforming to see it in its entirety.  It starts by describing what Christ did:

 "On the night when he was betrayed, the Lord Jesus took some bread and gave thanks to God for it." 

1 Cor. 11:23-24

Ann describes in her book how "Jesus, before the driving hammer and iron piercing through ligament and sinew, receives what God offers as grace (charis), the germ of thanksgiving (eucharistia).  On facing abandonment of God and Himself, Jesus offers thanksgiving for even that which will break and crush Him, wound Him, and yield a bounty of joy (chara)" (36).  Joy in saving the world from their sins and offering them a personal relationship with Him along with eternal life.

"Eucharisteo, thanksgiving, envelopes the Greek word for grace, charis.  But it also holds its derivative, the Greek word chara, meaning "joy" (32).

 So really, "Deep chara joy is found only at the table of the euCHARisteo--the table of thanksgiving" (32).  And, "Eucharisteo" (thanksgiving) always precedes the miracle....the miracle is joy!

"We only enter into the full life if our faith gives thanks.  Because how else do we accept His free gift of salvation if not with thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving is the evidence of our acceptance of whatever he gives.  Thanksgiving is the manifestation of our Yes! to his grace"(39).

I think this is my favorite line..."I pay tribute to God by paying attention.  I raise one hand high.  And another hand high.  I bow the head down.  I lay the body down.  The life of true holiness is rooted in the soil of awed adoration.  It does not grow elsewhere." (111).

"The practice of giving thanks...eucharisteo...this is the way we practice the presence of God, stay present to his presence, and it is always a practice of the YES! (135).  

Ann describes numbering her gifts....simple things...like new toothbrushes, pink skin of newborn pigs, nylons without runs, first frost's crunch, scooping out steaming squash, kettle whistling for tea on a cold afternoon, the beauty of shredded cheese.  

She even describes how she struggles to look for God in the "ugly."  I struggle with this myself.  How do I see God in the ugly...in the cancer, the grief, the disappointment?  Ann encourages to list gifts of seeing God, the so called "ugly beautiful."  For "Out of emptiness itself can birth the fullness of grace because in the emptiness we have the opportunity to turn to God, the only begetter of grace, and there find all the fullness of joy" (97).

"When I realize that it is not God who is in my debt but I who am in His great debt, then doesn't all become a gift? (94).~~cause isn't it just grace that we are allowed even one day here...

So she lists...bandages and pain relief

                   her son's left index finger (after it was just injured)

                   toppling closets (books!)

                   toys all over the floor (children!)

For, "if we don't intentionally commit to the hard practices of seeing, don't we die in barren wilderness?  Anger, frustration, emptiness?  You can't positive-think your way out of negative feelings.  Feel thanks and it's absolutely impossible to feel angry."  "

For me, this is a continual process.  Like she said, you can't just "positive think" yourself out of any circumstance. It is God who continually works in and through me to accomplish his purpose. (Philippians 2:13)  I'm thankful that He is patient and that he chooses to cut into my ungrateful heart and make it whole.  And I'm thankful that He set the example for me...gives me an example to follow of giving thanks.

   Thanks because He is...He Reigns, and He is Risen!

            I can I live with joy...see joy all around me, simply by giving thanks.

  Not joy based on my circumstance, but joy found only through the daily gifts God gives.  He is a good God...and only gives good to His children.

I have started making my list.  Sometimes I don't write them down, but just list them in my head throughout the day, I am slowly trying to train my mind to give thanks--always.  Like I said earlier--Wow, it is really a discipline for me.  I want to give into stress, anxiety, and bitterness at times.  Just recently, I broke down more than once because I just couldn't seem to give thanks.  My heart was so heavy...I couldn't do it.  I even thought, "Well it's okay for me to not give thanks today right...something really triggered a remembrance of my pain."  ....but then I remembered...Christ gave thanks as he KNEW the death he was about to experience...and for ME!  So I tried.  It wasn't an easy, quick, "okay that's easy," but almost a grinding, painful thing to start to give thanks when I didn't "feel" it. But eventually, after some tears, I slowly began to count.  And when I start numbering again, I couldn't stop.

329. A safe place to go for shelter when bad storms come

330.  My touch of my little boy's hands holding mine

331.  My mama who helps me rock my sick baby in the night when I can't get him to calm down.

332.  Medicine to lower my baby's fever

333.  The new grated road that makes it easier for me to push Landon's stroller on when we go running

334.  The sound of the birds in the crisp morning air reminding me of "mercies new every morning!"

335.  A friend's text to encourage me

336.  The beauty of a pretty vegetable salad with bow-tie pasta

337.  An answered prayer

338.  The shoulder of a friend to cry on

339.  The sound of the dishwasher cleaning my dishes

The song, "Blessings," by Laura Story was recommended to me several times after Eric died.  Story describes the blessings found by waiting upon the Lord. When I first heard the song, I couldn't handle listening to it...even became angry when I heard it on the radio.  I would turn it off immediately.  "How can I find blessings after such tragedy?"  Through numbering my gifts I have slowly come to love this song.  I have slowly been able to answer that question of "how to find blessings after tragedy" with grace.  I know even, that there is nothing wrong with me being sad or having the normal human grief emotions that comes from losing someone I  loved.  For me though, It's about how I handle my heart. I want to live a life of holiness, a life that seeks to find joy each day that the Lord has me here on this earth, regardless of my circumstance.  With God's help, my heart is growing.  As Eric always told me, "A little bit more today than yesterday, a little bit more tomorrow than today." Missing my husband!

So here it is...for me...this isn't easy...to even see good from the cancer....but it's a start.

340.  A deeper understanding of who God is that I never had before the cancer
341.  A chance to live with an eternal perspective that I also never had before
342.  People who witnessed Eric's testimony for Christ through the cancer--maybe causing them to question their need for God
343.  Learning how to humbly ask for help...God working at my pride

344.  A chance to learn how to see God in the ugly




Thanks for letting me share.
Blessings,
Laura

A link to One Thousand Gifts  

"http://onethousandgifts.com/the-book

And, here is a link to Laura Story's testimony of "Blessings"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5ljV_RA0CM

More Gifts

345.  Windows to see light out of

346.  Steps--how fun they are to climb on

347.  Friends

348.  Cousins...how good to get to see them!

349.  The simple fun of a homemade sled from a box at the grocery store that Grandma brought home.  Landon will take a ride around the house from whomever will give it to him!  

350.  And...the laugher I had by watching Landon decide to give his animals a ride.

351.  Peanut butter on a banana...Landon and his mommy's favorite snack.  (Landon likes to pick off the peanut butter first before eating the banana@)

352.  Laughter to Grandpa Schmidt and Eric's brother Gregg when I sent them this picture...the Schmidt boys all love cars!

353.  Working the ground with Grandpa E.

354.  Getting to wear his Daddy's hat...(yes, this boy's head has always measured in the 99th percentile--even when he was inside of me. Maybe he will grow into it someday!  :)  Eric used to joke when I was pregnant about us having a pumpkin on a toothpick!)  

355.  I'm thankful for all my parents do for me and for their love for Landon and I

356.  God protected Uncle Ryan's wheat from last week's storms~~beautiful long heads of wheat

357.  The enjoyment of being outside

358.  Mud..dirty...but so fun for a little boy

359.  The love I have for this little boy

360.  After a very hard morning for this mama...we found joy at the park

361.  Easter...The Lord is Risen!

362.  My family!